Two different times, the Book of Psalms uses this phrasing: “You have fed us with tears for our bread.” Seeing how we are an apostolate concerned with spiritual food, this is a matter of interest for our Missionaries, and is our thought for this week.
A powerful emotional relationship underlies this poetry. “You have fed us…” suggests dependency, particularly that of a child. “Bread” is a universal symbol of comfort and plenty. “Tears for our bread,” then, would be a shocking, even hurtful substitution. Do we assume the psalmist is lamenting that God seems to be sending tribulation instead of peace? Yes, in strictly historical terms. It certainly resonates with those times when we, too, have suffered with things beyond our control and wondered how we ended up with bitter herbs when we expected our daily bread. But let’s linger here, since we know both poetry and Scripture speak on as many layers as humans are complex.
Let’s think about tears. They are salty… wet… warm. An outward sign of our interior emotion.
We most often associate tears with sorrow, but they can also come with laughter, surprise, anger… actually, anywhere that emotions become more intense than our words can express.
We’ve all heard that human beings are the only creatures who shed tears of emotion. We are also programmed to recognize tears as a signal for our attention, starting the moment a child is born. Infants and children rarely suppress their tears, and adults dutifully respond. A gradual shift comes as children mature. Instead of crying easily, adolescents – despite having intense emotions – increasingly feel the need to hide their tears as an act of independence. This is a useful way to practice self-regulation and coping, but it should not imply failure if tears slip out. In fact, it is equally useful to see how peers are moved to compassion when they see you in a moment of high emotion. Adults probably shed the least tears of all the various age groups, but healthy adults still do cry as a part of living, and friends still (usually) respond with care when tears are spotted.
People with autism have a strained relationship with tears.
As you read over this list, it should occur to you that we could remove the words “with autism” and it would still apply to many. Difficulty crying is an “anyone” thing, just as tears themselves are not exclusively an autism thing. People with autism cry for exactly the same reasons as do everyone else. In fact, we’re all familiar with phrases like these (and they didn’t originate on the autism spectrum):
Do tears really make us that vulnerable?
Crying happens when our NEED can no longer be experienced alone.
Crying is not designed to be done in secret. When we cry alone, tears themselves are all we have – just salt and water, which nourishes no-one (and would be toxic if that were all we consumed).
When we allow someone to know our need, however, we give them a gift: the chance to respond, with leaven (= that which moves them to rise), balm (= oil) and sweetness (= sugar) to soothe our distress. Their acts of comfort need be nothing fancy, just simple solidarity – the grains of our experiences mixing with theirs, milling together in a shared moment of understanding (= flour). The warmth of our tears plus the warmth of their giving completes the gesture, and all the components of (spiritual) bread are in place. Tears DO become bread when we share them with others.
[ God feeds us with tears for our bread ] --> No! -->
God feeds us with tears, for our bread.
Note the insertion of the comma. That comma changes everything, and can be put there with a simple act of our consent. It takes a lamentation and turns it into a proclamation.
“God has fed us with tears for [= instead of] our bread” -> becomes ->
“God has fed us with tears [= which contain necessary ingredients], for our bread.”
So, then. Our need, expressed in our tears, can feed our souls and can feed the souls of others…
Each of these “unlesses” can be changed… worked on… remedied… and transformed, as part of our spiritual commitment as Missionaries, including those last two. Autism DOES impact one’s ability to shed tears, and autism DOES impact one’s ability to respond to tears. But, if we take the impact autism has on our ability to cry and respond to crying, and consecrate it [dedicate it to serving God-in-others]… the ensuing love [CARITAS] will make that impossible task possible.
And so, for this week’s thoughts, we ask you to ponder this idea deeply.
Pull it apart, question it.
Let it rest.
Let it rise in your heart.
And let it become your bread.
We lead off this week with a quick word association exercise. Ready?
Imagine you could make a generous contribution toward helping people with ASD. “My focus would be AUTISM _____________ .”
Let us guess. Among the answers that are not registered trademarks, the most common are:
These are all worthy causes and vitally important concepts.
But not ours.
Please, don’t get us wrong. We endorse each cause named above. Who wouldn’t? Acceptance recognizes the triumph of individuals’ efforts to live their best lives under the differences and difficulties that characterize autism. Awareness is an open invitation for others to take the time to understand what living with autism looks and feels like. Treatment offers relief from distress and raises competence in coping. And, although there is no known “cure” for autism as yet, biomedical research continues to advance the three other previously named causes, giving many hope that one day the debilitating symptoms of autism can be eradicated.
The Mission of Saint Thorlak approaches autism by following the lead of our spiritual patron, who met things head on where they were… learned from them… and reformed them.
Wait: AUTISM… REFORM?
Stay with us. You’ll see.
When St. Thorlak was consecrated Bishop of Skalholt, his superior, the Archbishop of Norway, was pleased to have found someone who shared his (unpopular) passion for moral reform in the church. Thorlak was already familiar with the anything-goes mentality of Icelandic priests and leaders. He tried for many years to demonstrate through his own actions that clergy were obligated to observe a higher way of living through serving others, not their own pleasures. He understood that appointment to higher office meant you were chosen and your work to be set apart, made sacred, and dedicated to God’s use.
Now hold on. We realize that autism is not a calling, and not an honor. It is a yoke under which people are placed by the mere configuration of their genes, developmental circumstances and confluence of all other factors which contribute to autism’s expression.
Public office, too, is a yoke. High titles bring privilege, yes, but also obligation, for humble servants and hedonists alike.
Yokes. We’ve heard this before. Who was it that said “Take MY yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls; for my yoke is easy, and my burden is light”?
Is this true? Can we trade in the yokes we are dealt and take up the Yoke of Jesus Christ instead?
The answer is YES. We can. We accomplish this through an act of the will, a conscious choice to take something ordinary, lift it up in prayer, and dedicate it to serving and glorifying God.
Taking your yoke, whatever it is and however burdensome, and dedicating it to the sacred service and glorification of God, is accomplished through consecration.
Historians reflecting on St. Thorlak’s legacy summarize him as “a reformer.” Did he set out with that explicit intention, or was that the consequence of how he lived out his vocation? We don’t know for sure. But we do know that St. Thorlak was a man of voluntary humility. He was strongly convicted and uncompromising, but he was not aggressive. He came from need, not demand.
If St. Thorlak accomplished reform, it was through consecration.
St. Thorlak felt a great love of God from his earliest age. He responded by consecrating his life to God’s service. He never sought high titles, but he did accept them with trepidation and indebted loyalty to the One who commissioned him: first a deacon, then a priest, then a scholar abroad, then an abbot, then a bishop.
St. Thorlak – socially paralyzed, impaired speaker, lover of learning – consecrated what he had to serving God and serving God-in-others. He felt pain when his kinsmen suffered. He hurt when people in authority gave poor example by their greed, unethical dealings, dishonesty, lustful indulgences and disregard for the dignity of women and children. He wanted to help bring remedy to these injustices and help those who suffered the consequences.
St.Thorlak, with the authority of a cleric, dedicated himself and all that he had – ordinary objects, land holdings, people under his tutelage – to serving God-in-others. He dedicated his struggles, triumphs and ordinary daily rituals. He consecrated all to serving God-in-others.
And, people noticed.
People in places high and low noticed he lived differently… quietly… contemplating something bigger than that which was before them. At times he appeared overly serious, and he had an unusual love of rules and order, but he still had a memorable effect on people. He was an unexpected blessing, a gentle burst of oxygen that remained even after he left. He stirred people to see themselves differently because he approached everyone he met as a gift.
Yet - this is someone for whom speaking, even eye contact, was painful!
How did he do it?
He gave himself, struggles and all, in loving obedience to serving God-in-others – and it went from something painful (and something most take for granted) to being a source of blessing for him AND all who received it. Each ordinary, painful encounter became a blessing which brought God-in-him to God-in-others.
Back to us, and our exercise, now.
Bringing God to people in a way that gets their attention… taking real, painful impediments and circumstances, and converting them to pathways to blessing… Yes. That all sounds like “reform.”
And so, our angle, our contribution to helping those affected by autism, is, in fact, “reform.”
Reform, through consecration.
Let us then finish the phrase: Our focus is: Autism CONSECRATED.
Take what we have, however poor, however painful, and dedicate it completely to the service and glorification of God. In America alone, one in 48 people are affected by autism. If we consecrate that, then one in 48 will be blessed… and will bless untold others in each of their circles.
It CAN happen.
If we hear the call.
This week’s Missionary Thought works on many levels. It functions as a tip for people with social anxiety. It gives non-anxious people an idea of how to approach someone whom they have passed by time and again without making it seem forced or awkward. It gives homage to our patron, St. Thorlak, who employed this action every day of his ministry and whose example we recognize as opening doors for people with autism spectrum disabilities. And finally, it is an actual testimony: something that a real person did, difficult as it was, and discovered how to disempower her panic attacks. By the time you’ve read this through, we hope you’ll understand the underlying premise of The Mission of St. Thorlak.
THE SCYTHE OF SAINT THORLAK IN ACTION
Let us review: The Scythe of St. Thorlak, which cuts through the thorns casting shadows of doubt in our unclear minds, is VOLUNTARY HUMILITY.
Here is one way to put this scythe into action, with a little imagination. For those times when you feeling awkward, anxious, withdrawn, unable to speak, or unable to find the on-ramp to join an existing gathering: put on your imaginary reporter’s badge, and go interview someone.
That’s right. Envision your very own press pass. Now, go get the scoop.
What is it about a press pass that emboldens reporters? Have you ever noticed how someone going for the big story has an overflowing measure of confidence? A press pass allows access where people are otherwise shooed away by security and people in charge. A press pass permits you to interrupt, cut in with a question, to be noticed, to announce that you have a need. Instead of being snickered at, talked over, brushed aside – press passes take precedence. They are respected. People not only notice press passes, but they pause to accommodate them.
You, then, take up your press pass. Go up to a situation – a conversation in progress, or a person you’ve never approached before, or a setting that you’ve always avoided – and grab that interview.
SEEK OUT THE STORIES FROM THE MARGINS
If you don’t have a real press pass, don’t forge one (please). Use the Scythe of St. Thorlak instead. Trust us… it will get just as much attention. Take up your willingness to be humble and resolve to learn from the people you approach. With a little prep work you can have some questions in mind and how you plan on asking them. Don’t worry if you are clumsy, if you stutter, if you get looks of confusion. Just go talk to them. Ask them questions. Show them, by asking, that they are a valuable resource to you… because they are!
There. Doesn’t that sound like a good tip for people with social anxiety? (We hope so; it is meant to be.)
Then again, it works for people who are not diagnosed with anything in particular, for those who are socially comfortable and have a solid group of friends and don’t really take too much notice of the people on the fringes, the people sitting alone, or, maybe, the people who really don’t look very approachable. It’s easy to pass by someone who really doesn’t like talking to other people.
Since when does any of that concern a reporter going for the exclusive interview?
As Missionaries of St. Thorlak, whether or not you have a diagnosis, your job – your OBLIGATION – is to look for people on the margins and seek out their stories. You want to come to know them as well as you know the people in your comfortable circles. You want to know what makes these quiet or off-putting ones tick. You also want to help them see that you genuinely notice them, appreciate them, and would feel their absence if one day they were gone.
So you, too, go in with your press pass, your voluntary humility, and tell those people on the margins that you really wish to know them better. Be willing to be rebuffed, mumbled-to, hedged-against and outright rejected... but more importantly, be prepared to be surprised by their candor, their delightfulness, their softness… and their likeness to you. Be committed to regularly speak with them at their pace, not yours, and be ready to find that you really enjoy their company.
WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ST. THORLAK'S MISSION?
St. Thorlak used this technique routinely in spite of many social limitations. He was a lover of learning. He saw volumes of stories, wisdom, experience and adventure in the people of his diocese. He wanted to understand everyone almost as fervently as he himself longed to be understood. If we are to follow his holy footsteps, it is up to us to imitate his example to the best of our ability. They may not have had journalists in his day, but they certainly had saga-writers and storytellers… none of whom had any material without people to inspire them. Go, therefore, and be inspired by the sagas of the people close at hand!
Why are we focusing on this? Why suggest something that could be found in the pages of a social skills manual, or a group therapy session for people on the autism spectrum? Why not promote something more deeply spiritual, since we are spiritual missionaries?
Because it IS spiritual… when it is consecrated.
Consecrated? A Postscript.
The "press pass" technique is a true story of a real person's effort to overcome suffocating and frequent panic attacks in social situations. She never had the benefit of therapy sessions or social skills curricula. Instead, she was met by adults and professionals who called her “shy” and “timid” and pushed her to “get past it.” This was more than just “anxiety” – these were racing heart, swimming head, hyperventilating, cold-sweaty panic attacks which plagued her throughout high school and beyond. Finally, this courageous soul rose above her disability with her own willpower… not by curing it… not by conquering it… but by consecrating it.
By dedicating what little she had to the service of God and others, her path finally came into focus. No more did she work to impress other people… no more did she try to prove herself… but rather, she entrusted her struggle to God’s service, as imperfect as she was, and her focus shifted away from herself.
By focusing on God, she found her way out.
This is by no means a condemnation of social skills curricula or self-esteem therapy. But it is, for Missionaries of Saint Thorlak, a reminder:
Autism therapies are means to our end, which is: Service of God-in-others.
May we contemplate this idea in preparation of learning what it means to consecrate autism to serving God-in-others.
One of the only recorded prayers calling on St. Thorlak was written around the year 1350 (see end note) and bears these words: “Cut with the scythe of your workings the thorns casting shadows in my unclear mind.” Scythe? Thorns? That’s some powerful imagery. After all, a scythe is no little pocket knife, and any thorns requiring a tool that big must be some serious, menacing thorns – the kind that keep people away.
Those familiar with St. Thorlak recognize the paradox of this image. While his stature and authority were both scythe-worthy, his nature was anything but threatening. Gentle, modest, clement, placid – those were more frequent descriptors of St. Thorlak’s disposition (also used in the same prayer cited above). A scythe is probably the last thing anyone would imagine in the hands of a quiet, scholarly bishop. So, what kind of thorn-slashing weapon did this author have in mind, if Thorlak was not known for using aggressive force?
St. Thorlak struggled with varying degrees of social anxiety and difficulties speaking throughout his life, often finding his public duties quite distressing. Yet, he willingly accepted the obligation of every office to which he was appointed, believing that his mission was to serve other people in complete charity. His commitment to CARITAS made these impossible tasks possible for him.
St. Thorlak dedicated his life to promoting social and clerical reform among a very resistant crowd. He unceasingly met, counseled and instructed the people in his pastoral care. Although he was opposed and outright mocked by many powerful leaders, he won people over time after time without using harsh or aggressive tactics. How did someone who was painfully shy, who dreaded crowds, was considered overly serious, and who was chronically misunderstood by his peer group win so many hearts?
So: What does voluntary humility look like, and how do we use it? Here are some illustrations.
This voluntary humility defines us as Missionaries of St. Thorlak. Traditional mendicants start out from plenty but take vows of voluntary poverty, spending their time begging for material charity. Missionaries of Saint Thorlak start from spiritual poverty and sincerely embrace voluntary humility, spending our time begging for spiritual, fraternal charity (= CARITAS).
Thus, Missionaries of Saint Thorlak are equally people with autism and people approaching those with autism. The only pre-requisite for being a Missionary of Saint Thorlak is having humanity… and, as we see this week, a willingness to take up St. Thorlak’s Scythe.
Who’s ready to start reaping?
End note: The prayer referenced above is very nicely detailed in the work of Susanne Miriam Fahn and Gottskálk Jensson, The Forgotten Poem: A Latin Panegyric for Saint Þorlákr in AM 382 4to', Gripla, 21 (2010), pp. 19-60). The words “cut with the scythe of your working…” originally referred to the 14th century author’s appeal for clarity in recalling the details of St. Thorlak’s biography.
Missionary Thought for the Week of April 24, 2017: Love Makes Impossible Tasks Possible (Continued).
A quick recap from last week: “Love,” for our purposes, means CARITAS: An over-arching regard for the care and well-being of others.
People acting from “love” often do heroic things, on small and large scale alike. Inconvenient favors are somehow easily offered to friends in need. Our willingness to look silly increases with the degree to which we hope to gain another person’s affections. The Good Samaritan in each of us ignores rules, drops everything and offers help when someone has a sudden and urgent need.
When it comes to people with autism, the same principles apply... only, we know it takes a degree of heroic motivation just to navigate the ordinary interactions.
Heroic? Yes, we think so. Living with autism is intense. Emotions are amplified, sensations are overwhelming and isolation sometimes feels necessary. For a person who finds eye contact distressing, speaking painful and interactions exhausting, greeting another person is a corner quickly cut in the name of “I’ll do it another time because I need to recharge right now.”
We know you do. We know the confusion, the longing to think more and speak less, the way your heart races when someone looks you directly in the eye, the embarrassment you feel without knowing why. It is very reasonable to want space in solitude and the freedom to “be” without having to rehearse rules you don’t always understand or believe necessary.
But, as impossible as it is to rise above these challenges in everyday situations, we also feel that love… CARITAS… can make it possible.
CARITAS by itself is a nice goal, but it might seem a little off in the distance. Maybe even a long way. Lofty. Abstract. Idealistic. Maybe you have a general sense of good will toward others but are not ready to act on it yet. Maybe you want to feel that way but find it too difficult. Maybe your anxiety is still too strong.
This is where “MISSION” comes into play.
Why are we the “Mission” of Saint Thorlak, and not, say, the “Society,” or “Ministry,” of Saint Thorlak?
The Online Etymology Dictionary can help clear that up. The earliest use of the word mission referred to an act of sending; a dispatching; an act of release or letting go.
We don’t simply ponder things; we ponder them to act on them. We first gain understanding, then accept the call to employ what we’ve pondered. Contemplative prayer + Contemplative action = Mission.
The very definition of CARITAS requires us to deliberately act in order to realize it, covering the sending and dispatching part.
What about releasing or letting go?
We might say we release ourselves from our hesitation and let go of our fear in the name of CARITAS because we choose to be more concerned about the spiritual nourishment and well-being of others than our dread of discomfort, looking silly, making mistakes or forgetting rules.
The CARITAS of St. Thorlak is like a manual override switch we can activate each time we make even the smallest gesture in the name of our Mission – which then empowers us to take that different route. Instead of avoiding the usual anxieties, hesitations, difficulties and reservations we have about interacting with others, we head straight into them, ready to welcome the discomfort and the consequences! Why? Because we aren’t just acting as ourselves anymore. We are acting in the name of our Mission, which shifts our interest from ourselves to the welfare of others. We become more interested in putting an end to spiritual starvation than avoiding distress.
In sum: We aren’t just practicing pro-social behavior to earn praise from our teachers and acceptance from our peer group. No! We are on a MISSION of CARITAS! Specifically: to understand, recognize, address and prevent spiritual starvation among people we pass day after day. By doing this, we feed our own souls from the same bread of friendship we offer… and, as we ourselves are nourished and strengthened, those impossible tasks become even more possible.
Love (CARITAS) empowers us do things we would never ordinarily do. Even when autism screams that we can’t. Even if autism makes us look impossible to reach.
Love makes impossible tasks possible.
We had to do it sometime: We need to talk about love.
“Love” as a topic is covered in far too many other places, especially in youth and young adult ministries, for us to focus on it too long. Then again, it does appear twice in our Mission objectives:
- To make people aware of their humanity: their human need to be known and loved
[- To make people aware that these are also the immediate needs of those around them]
- To make people aware that these needs spring from God's thirst to be known and loved.
We included that middle one because it implies that others around us need to be known and loved, so that counts in this discussion.
For our purposes, throughout the entire body of Mission of Saint Thorlak material, print and multimedia, retreats and readings, exercises and encounters: the “love” to which we refer is CARITAS: Love which is rooted in goodwill, justice and sincerely caring about the others around us.
We could spend hours exploring degrees and types of love. We do not want to take up too much time discussing and partitioning characteristics of agape, philia, pragma and ludus as pertaining to friendship (… did you even realize there were that many forms of friendship-love?) We also want to make it very clear that we do not include or discuss erotic and romantic love simply because those concepts are specific and highly subjective, personal forms of love that tend to overwhelm people, on or off the autism spectrum, and are best rooted in caritas in the first place.
To us, caritas is the term that most fully embraces the manner of love we are seeking to tap: a measure each of brotherly/sisterly love, motherly/fatherly love, loving friendship and loving kindness, extended by us to those who meet the criteria of being human.
Does that concept of love qualify in our future discussions of God’s thirst to be loved? Yes. St. Thomas Aquinas covers this in Question 23 of his Summa Theologiae as he explains caritas as humankind’s seeking a deep friendship with God, reflected both in love of God and love of neighbor.
Why are we choosing to use the Latin word caritas instead of its English translation, “charity”? We could use either word interchangeably, but we know there are many connotations that go along with “charity” which blur our intentions. We want our motives as Missionaries of Saint Thorlak to be completely spontaneous, voluntary and rooted in a sincere desire to get to know the people around us. We think of the work we do as rallying around the delight that gaining a new friend brings to us. There is simply too great a chance that our functioning as a missionary apostolate might lead us to confuse “charity” with its popularized meaning, “giving to others from what we have plentifully.” No; in fact, we approach others in our spiritual poverty, hoping they will give their friendship to us from THEIR plenty!
Okay, then… back to our thought of the week: Love makes impossible tasks possible.
Hmm. Love… caritas... Do goodwill, justice and sincerity make impossible tasks possible?
Let’s do just one more test, to make sure this concept of caritas is the one we are looking for.
“LOVE makes impossible tasks possible.”
We all know, from poets to pop music, cartoons to epic romances, that falling-in-love drives people to do things they would normally never do. So, that works.
We also know that parents extend themselves way past the borders of comfort in every direction when it comes to caring for and helping their children. Familial, maternal and paternal love all work.
How does caritas make impossible tasks possible?
By leveling the playing field between humans. We need what you need. You need what we need. Let’s help each other, and accomplish both.
Becoming a Missionary of Saint Thorlak requires one to actively cultivate a spirit of caritas toward the people around us through contemplation, giving us a purpose we would not ordinarily have: to deliberately feed the spiritually hungry with our own need to be fed.
Okay… (thinking about that)…
To feed the spiritually hungry with our own need to be fed?
That’s absurd. It doesn’t make any sense. In fact, it’s impossible.
Unless… caritas really does make impossible tasks possible.
The progression of our Missionary Thoughts so far goes like this:
1) Friendship’s Secret Superweapon: Asking others to be OUR friend is more powerful than asking others if we can be THEIR friend, because in asking, we come from need (spiritual poverty). This draws people to us by soliciting their talents, not imposing ours on them.
2) Humanity: The origin of this word stems from “consideration for others.” If you’re human, you arrive with the need to be known and loved as part of your humanity.
3) Spiritual Hunger: Every human carries some degree of spiritual hunger which is relieved by others knowing us and befriending us. As we engage others to assess and feed their spiritual needs, our own spiritual hunger is fed… because, where two or more gather in Christian friendship, Jesus, the Word Made Flesh, source of our True Spiritual Food, becomes present.
4) and 5) Sincerity is coming from a place of acknowledging our own needs, and is a crucial ingredient to feeding spiritual hunger.
6) When we fear our own needs, we create barriers.
Now, #7, a paradox: Others can be fed spiritually by our own hunger… if we seek and obtain in mutual caritas, making this impossible contradiction possible.
* * *
If you’re feeling lost, don’t worry: next week we will explore this in much more concrete and familiar terms. For this week, consider the times when love, in any of its definitions and forms, has made the impossible possible in your life.
Missionary Thought of the Week for April 10, 2017
Don't fear the need.
You, as a human person, have many needs.
Go back to last week, when we contemplated our interactions and examined our sincerity. How many moments of INsincerity popped up when we felt needy in some way?
“Needy” does not have to be anything dramatic. I may need to say something before I forget. I may need to put someone on hold while I ask a customer to wait. I may need to feel like I matter, in a world that is stylized to an impossible ideal on social media and seems to have forgotten that I’m even here.
It is amazingly intimidating to admit we have a need... especially when it requires another person. Maybe it’s their help, or their approval, or their companionship. How small we feel when we fully confront that fact, that we are at another person's mercy. Yet… how universal.
Not one person can exist in the absence of others.
Every human depends on other humans.
Nobody escapes without needs. Nobody. Some of us may feel them more intensely than others, and some of us may not realize we have them at all. But there they are.
When we fear our own needs, we create barriers.
One such barrier is insincerity, worn as a mask over our need - either to hide it, or magnify it in the eyes of others.
People act insincerely for hundreds of reasons. It might be a sport to them, or a function of greed. More likely, it is a desire to prove to ourselves that we are important as we are. These all speak to a need, somewhere beneath our behavior, that triggers an alarm begging us not to reveal our vulnerability. Fake it! Hide it! Play it up! Play it down! Before anyone finds out!
Many times, we’re not even aware we’re doing it.
Many times, the first victim of our insincerity is ourselves.
How many times do we catch ourselves saying: “Fine, I don’t care!” and “I don’t need them!” and “What difference does it make?” and “I can do it myself!”
Well, sometimes those statements are true, and are good ways to motivate ourselves to keep at something. Sometimes, though, they are said in anger, or in reaction to hurt. Those point to need.
We here at the Mission of Saint Thorlak freely admit our needs. We have loads of them. We need you. We need to reach everyone who is starving. We need to take autism treatment to the next level.
And, each person who works with our Mission has the same basic need as we do: to know others and be truly known by them; to accept the friendship of others, and be accepted by them.
There is no escaping that need. It is part of humanity. How good, then, that there are others around us to help out!
Chances are, if you cultivate the habit of recognizing and embracing your needs, the others around you will be comforted: by knowing they are not alone in their needs, and by being able to help another person.
This all may sound elaborate, but really, it is so fundamental that it happens minute by minute without normally having to think about it. All it takes is an interaction: verbal or nonverbal; in thought, word or deed.
Sincerity is embracing our need. The degree to which we scorn that need is the degree to which we create barriers between ourselves and others.
People with autism: Would people understand you more if you unmasked your needs?
People with no diagnosis: Think of someone who troubles you, and then ponder if that person has any needs. Would they behave differently if those needs were met? Do you put barriers between you and that person? Are you willing to accept that they may not be ready to abandon their troublesome habits yet? Does that change your willingness to help? Why?
Newsletter subscribers: Have a look at the video which we posted about halfway down our Mission section last week. It tells of the power in one woman’s willingness to be upfront with her need for a familiar face. http://mission-of-saint-thorlak.weebly.com/mission.html
Sincerity, as we learned last week, is a vital nutrient to our spiritual diets. We thrive as humans when we act authentically toward others, and also when we receive authenticity from others.
There was also a pretty stern warning that NOT showing sincerity can lead to dire consequences.
How do we know we are being sincere?
Simply saying, "Oh, I am!" is not enough. Human nature is much more complicated than that. If everyone in a room were asked if they believe they are generally sincere, most, if not all, would say "Yes!" and “sincerely” believe it. But since The Mission of Saint Thorlak is a contemplative ministry, it is our duty to slow down and really examine that, to make sure it is... well... sincere.
We're only going to focus on ourselves. Be aware this week of every interaction you have with another person. Everyone. People you live with, people you work with, people you encounter in your day to day business. People you know, people you don't know. People you text. People who read what you post. People on the other end of the phone.
First, repeat enough times what "sincere" means: whole, pure, unmixed; that which is not falsified.
Next, apply that to your SELF. Imagine what it looks and sounds like when you present yourself just as you are: whole, pure, unmixed; not falsified.
Whole: All of you. Not just part of you. Nothing to hide. Even the sides of you that are weak, or timid, or embarrassing. Even the parts of you that you don't like. Even those areas you vow nobody will ever know. Interiorly, be aware of your whole self when you interact with others this week.
! Now, hold on just a moment: We are not suggesting that you advertise all of your deep, dark secrets. There are very good reasons we don't talk about our most sacred and intimate thoughts, feelings and memories. You can be aware of them, however, without spotlighting them. Just imagine yourself as an integrated whole, with all of your aspects visible to your interior sight. (If people don't know about your hidden aspects, they won't know to ask about them, right?) So, don't worry that you have to be completely inside out. Just be aware of yourself as the total of who you are.
Pure: Keep your intentions good and simple. No corrupt motives or agendas packaged as sweetness. No making any moves to gain on anyone or put anyone beneath you. This is sincerity, not strategy.
Unmixed: Keep your focus and your motives unmuddied. Say what you mean, mean what you say, and be direct. Try not to be purposefully vague, coy or ambiguous.
Not falsified: We hope this is obvious. Be truthful. Honest. Upfront. Humble. Don’t duck who you are. Don’t put on a face that isn’t yours. Don’t mislead. Don’t agree with things unless you agree with them.
This description already sounds like one you'd hope for in a best friend. It feels like a stream of oxygen in an environment of variable smog. Wouldn't we all like a friend like this?
Good. Now, as often as you can, be aware of your interactions, and see how they match up to this close study of sincerity.
Do not despair if you fall short.
We all do.
There is no one person among us who can maintain perfect sincerity all the time. A few of us might do a great job out in public but then switch faces at home, like when we duck those responsibilities we don’t enjoy. Others might look at the cashier or teacher or bus driver and think we don't have anything to lose because that person doesn't know us anyway, so we can portray ourselves any way we please. Or, there is that friend on the phone who loves to talk. "I'll talk to you later, I've got to go..."
Ugh. It's hard.
It's hard for EVERYONE. It's even harder when you're a person with autism because you have probably been taught from a very early age that you have to follow the rules of social situations, and just having to constantly rehearse and recall them makes you feel like you're an actor following a script. Is it sincerity when you are doing what other people have told you to do, especially when you'd rather not be talking to the other person at all?
If you [sincerely] want to grow, it’s okay to not like when it gets difficult, so long as your effort is sincere. So, yes, it is.
Then there are complications of nuances. It's very poor taste, for example, to brush someone aside by stating "I can't stand talking to you," even if that would be sincere. Sincerity does not excuse the need for discretion, manners and consideration of the other’s feelings.
What, then, can we do, if we find we’re not always sincere?
Go back to our contemplation, and look interiorly.
Contemplate your humanity.
Contemplate that other person's humanity.
You don't have to know the other person, you don't have to enjoy the situation, and you don't have to be anyone else than who you are right now. Sincerity does not even have to be spoken. It can just as easily be felt, thought, recollected as you act. Recall your humanity and think of what you need in that moment.
Simple as that.
Well… not really. Does it still seem complicated? Thought so. Okay. Let’s try one more time, and this is what we want to leave with you for this week. Does this explain sincerity? Here goes:
Sincerity, simplified (and a preview of next week’s thought): DON’T FEAR YOUR NEED.
“How can there be any SIN in SINCERE?” asks the quartet in “The Music Man.” We’ll let that question be our thought for the week, because it contains a crucial point in our Mission.
(Please keep in mind: These thoughts are written by a person with autism. For people with autism. And people without.)
The Mission of Saint Thorlak absolutely, positively depends on sincerity.
The Online Etymology Dictionary explains “sincere” speaks of things “whole, clean, pure, unmixed… that which is not falsified.”
It is so very important that all of our work as Missionaries of St. Thorlak be done in complete sincerity.
People with autism lack the ability to pick up on social cues that are not explicit. Oftentimes, we even miss the ones that ARE explicit. It causes so much trouble. It’s not as bad in the younger years because we have adults to guide and explain and untie our social knots for us, but as we hit adolescence and young adulthood, we are expected to navigate ourselves through the already confusing social scene. Anyone will tell you that adolescence without autism is at best turbulent and constantly changing. Best friends can morph into “frenemies” without warning, drama runs high, feelings get hurt and relationships are unstable. Autism deprives us of the ability to internalize the rules and trust that, at the end of the day, we did enough to be remembered and appreciated for who we are. Half the time, we don’t know who we are ourselves. We rely on the reactions of others to know who we are to them, and if our approval rating fluctuates wildly, or we commit too may blunders, or are constantly bypassed... we conclude we aren't worth it. Worse, if we are mocked or rebuffed, we believe we are detestable. Even if somewhere, our logical minds tell us that’s extreme, it doesn’t matter: we believe it.
People with autism put a lot of stock into rules. We count on them to know what to do. We expect them to be consistent. We over-emphasize following them, to utmost perfection, to be able to rest inside. The roller coaster changing rules of adolescent relationships is an impossible sea to sail.
Some of us deal with this by rejecting rules altogether, rebelling against the norm, and standing out in loud, angry contrast: Loners, freaks, emos. Full of rage, and lonely to the core.
Some chameleon our way into the scene and fake it ‘till we make it, but feel like hollow shells.
Some withdraw into a quiet corner and accept the loneliness as the cost of not having to deal with rules that keep changing.
All three scenarios are very common. All three are symptomatic of spiritual starvation. And, all three are deficiencies of sincerity. The first finds us pushing people away on purpose with the untruth, “I don’t NEED anyone to like me!” The second requires us to dismiss honesty in favor of enough white lies to work our way into the social scene – but we know down deep we aren’t being true to ourselves and are cheating our friends by misleading them. The third is more like a spiritual anorexia – a willing starvation, offset by the temporary relief of avoiding the ambiguity altogether. This lie is one we tell ourselves, that it's just not worth it... that we're just not worth it.
Missionaries of Saint Thorlak must pledge to SINCERELY work to combat spiritual starvation.
That is: In a manner that is whole, clean, pure, unmixed… that which is not falsified.
If you reach out in friendship to another person, you must do so in a manner that is whole, clean, pure, unmixed and not falsified.
If you are approached by a person in friendship, you must respond in a manner that is whole, clean, pure, unmixed and not falsified.
This is an absolute deal breaker.
If you reach out to another person with any trace of pretense or uncertainty, you do more harm than good. You offer them cardboard - or worse, poison - in the guise of nourishment. Your pretense will eventually become evident and reinforce all the untrue things that person has already begun to believe (such as, “Being social means being twofaced, threefaced or fiftyfaced” and “People don’t like me when they REALLY know me” and “I’m not worth knowing”).
Please note that UNCERTAINTY is included with pretense. Don’t do anything until you are ready to be completely authentic. It is much better to wait than to jump in before you are ready. We understand. We can wait. We are confident you will be ready before too long.
Thus, our takeaway:
PEOPLE WITH AUTISM: Your spirit needs to be sincerely accepted by others in order to receive nourishment.
PEOPLE WITHOUT AUTISM: Your spirit needs to be sincerely accepted by others in order to receive nourishment.
Go with the one that applies to you.
The Mission of Saint Thorlak
So far, we have discovered a superweapon in our choice to ask the OTHER person to be OUR friend, and we have thought about our human need to be recognized and valued. Now it's time to think about how these two ideas meet to form our mission.
We are here to UNDERSTAND, RECOGNIZE, ADDRESS AND PREVENT spiritual starvation.
Spiritual starvation. If physical starvation means "suffering or death caused by hunger" (Merriam-Webster), then spiritual starvation means suffering or death caused by... what, exactly?
Let's see how physical hunger is different from spiritual hunger.
-Physical hunger is usually obvious, with physical symptoms... whereas spiritual hunger is not always noticeable, even by people who are spiritually hungry.
-Physical hunger can be relieved in the absence of others, so long as a person obtains food. Spiritual hunger cannot. Even if you make the argument that a person can feed their spiritual needs by faith in God, that right there points to the necessity of another - a Divine Other, if you will. The hungry soul cannot relieve its need alone.
-Physical hunger can be relieved with any kind of food. Feeding spiritual hunger requires personalized thought and attention. We all have the same basic need to be known and loved, but that can never be mass produced and distributed like bags of grain. Some starving souls might hunger for someone to listen to them. Others might need to BE the listeners to people who will take on the burden of doing the talking. Others might be very intimidated by touch or eye contact, so they need a special formula to show you consistently remember them, value them and are genuinely pleased they exist -- without overpowering them with friendliness or giving up when they don't respond enthusiastically. Spiritual nutrition is as individual as every person, whether one has an autism diagnosis or not.
-You can mask physical hunger only so long before your body becomes too weak to keep up the façade. Spiritually hungry people can hide their need for years without being detected, yet continue deteriorating. Truly, how can we readily spot things like loneliness, distrust, self-loathing, shyness, sadness, longing, smoldering resentment, or loss of hope?
Bottom line: Prolonged hunger cannot go on for long periods of time without great harm – physical, or spiritual.
By now, it is obvious why The Mission of Saint Thorlak cannot operate like the missions to feed the physically hungry.
A soup kitchen approach is excellent for nourishing people with good food. But we cannot think that starving souls can be fed by standing in lines to step up and receive affirmation, even if it is given lovingly and sincerely.
We cannot hold "friendship collection drives" at weekend church services. We can't hit up our friends to donate a can or two from their pantries and feel satisfied that we have filled a grocery bag for the food pantry.
Monetary donations won't do much for us, either.
Folks: we need CONTEMPLATION: Contemplative PRAYER and contemplative ACTION.
The only effective way to feed spiritually hungry people is to give them what they need from OUR OWN spiritual inventory.
This is why it is so crucial for Missionaries of Saint Thorlak to be aware of their own needs: so that they can have a rich spiritual reservoir available for those they encounter.
Stumbling block: What if we don't have excess in our reservoirs? What if we barely have enough ourselves? What if we have no idea what we're doing? How will we get what hungry souls need, never mind have enough to share?
(Too bad... only two or three people in the world have that kind of spiritual life, and I'm certainly not one of them...)
Ah! But wait! Don't you see? THE PEOPLE WE APPROACH have it! For us!
(Say that again?)
Quick! Stay with us! Look! That person right over there, that spiritually hungry person. The one who may or may not have autism – right now, that’s not important. That person is human, right?
And, so are you?
Great! We've got all we need!
Because, as you engage them to see what they need, they fill YOUR store.
Not only that alone, but if you do it with faith, with a quick prayer to Our Lord Jesus, to see Him in that person and to let that person see Him in you... it's in the bag! Because, when two or more are gathered in Jesus' Name, He becomes present... and He fills everyone's cups to the top, and flowing over. *
Now you've got plenty... for you, for them, and even leftovers for tomorrow's lunch.
Good job! You just stitched together the first two Missionary Thoughts. Chew on them this week, and then see what we're serving up next.
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*this is another of St. Thorlak’s secret superweapons… reminding others that Jesus is present wherever two or more are gathered in His name. Read about it in the Saga of Bishop Thorlak, page 7.